CustodyBuddy's Podcast

Breaking free from Shame and Guilt: Unraveling Their Evolutionary Roots and Modern Challenges

• CustodyBuddy

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Unlock the secrets behind the complex emotions of shame and guilt as we unravel their hidden evolutionary purposes. These ancient feelings, akin to warning lights on a dashboard, alerted our ancestors to potential social missteps vital for group survival. Join us and our insightful guest as we dissect the difference between shame, the belief in being fundamentally flawed, and guilt, the remorse over rule-breaking actions. We explore how these emotions manifest today as self-blame, isolation, aggression, or addiction, and the modern challenges they present.

Our conversation delves into the necessity of establishing strong personal boundaries to shield ourselves from the destructive patterns of shame and guilt. Learn to recognize the signs of boundary issues, like people-pleasing, and gain practical insights into reclaiming control over your emotional landscape. Discover the importance of understanding where you end and others begin, both physically and emotionally, to protect your well-being. This episode aims to empower you to break free from the chains of these emotions, offering guidance on building healthier, more fulfilled lives.

Speaker 1:

All right, ready for a deep dive? Let's talk shame and guilt.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know those feelings right, the ones that make you want to disappear.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we've all been there.

Speaker 1:

But what's interesting is what if I said these negative emotions? Maybe they actually serve a purpose.

Speaker 2:

It's true, you know it's like. Think about those warning lights on your car's dashboard.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

Annoying, right, but they're trying to tell you something's up, something you need to pay attention to.

Speaker 1:

OK, so how does that apply to like shame and guilt?

Speaker 2:

Well, they're like that warning signs. They're telling us something's off in our emotional world, maybe in our behavior.

Speaker 1:

OK, that makes sense. Ok, so we've got these definitions here, right? Shame being that feeling of not OK, like you're fundamentally flawed Right. And then guilt is like I messed up, broke the rules and now we're paying the price. But how does this, how does this actually play out when we're thinking about our past?

Speaker 2:

experiences often internalize the blame, you know, even if logically they know it wasn't their fault. Yeah, there's this deep seated belief that they could have, should have done something different.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's like our brains trying to make sense of something that just doesn't make sense.

Speaker 2:

Exactly Trying to create order out of chaos.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

And the danger is that the self-blame it gets woven into who we believe we are becomes this inner voice always whispering you're not good enough, you're broken, unlovable.

Speaker 1:

Oh man, that's heavy stuff.

Speaker 2:

It is and it can manifest in so many ways. You know, some people withdraw, isolate themselves because they're afraid of being exposed as flawed Right. Others, they become more aggressive. You know, their anger is like the shield to protect that wounded sense of self. Yeah, and then there are those who their anger is like the shield to protect that wounded sense of self, yeah. And then there are those who turn to addictions, seeking solace from that pain of self-judgment.

Speaker 1:

It's almost like that saying hurt people, hurt people. Right, that pain has to go somewhere.

Speaker 2:

It does. It has to find an outlet.

Speaker 1:

But here's a question for you If these feelings shame and guilt are so destructive, why haven't we evolved out of them?

Speaker 2:

Seems like they'd be pretty detrimental to survival. That's a great question. What's fascinating is that shame and guilt, in their original forms, probably had an important evolutionary purpose. You know, yeah, they helped us regulate our behavior in social groups.

Speaker 1:

So like, don't steal that food or the tribe will kick you out. Yeah, that kind of thing.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, shame and guilt kept us connected, which back then was essential for survival. The problem is, in today's world, these emotions, they often get hijacked.

Speaker 1:

Oh, interesting.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, instead of being helpful reminders to course correct, they become these deeply ingrained patterns of self-sabotage.

Speaker 1:

Wow. So like, how do we break free from that? So we're kind of stuck with these ancient emotions running wild in our modern lives.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's like trying to navigate a minefield right.

Speaker 1:

Exactly so how do we disarm them, how do we keep them from, you know, blowing us up?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think it starts with building stronger boundaries.

Speaker 1:

Boundaries. That's a word right, we hear it everywhere.

Speaker 2:

but it can be kind of fuzzy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what are they really?

Speaker 2:

Think of it like this Okay, your boundaries, they're like this protective bubble around you, defining where you end and the other person begins. You know, it's about being able to say this is okay for me and this is not okay.

Speaker 1:

I see.

Speaker 2:

And it's not just about physical space, it's emotional, mental space too.

Speaker 1:

So how do I know if my boundaries need some work?

Speaker 2:

Well, people pleasing is a big one. Oh tell me about it.

Speaker 1:

You know, constantly saying yes when you want to say no, sacrificing your own needs. Yeah, it's like I'm wearing a sign doormat, step right up.

Speaker 2:

Right, that can be a sign be a sign another one is feeling responsible for other people's emotions all the time yeah, yeah like you have to fix it for them or walk on eggshells so they don't get upset each and this.

Speaker 1:

This probably goes back to those past experiences, right, like if someone grew up in a chaotic home oh, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Trauma can really mess with our ability to set boundaries. You might overextend yourself because you learned early on that keeping the peace was the way to stay safe.

Speaker 1:

So how do we break free? I'm tired of being a doormat.

Speaker 2:

It takes practice, but it starts with awareness. You know, pay attention to your body.

Speaker 1:

My body.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like that knot in your stomach, that feeling of being drained, resentful.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

Those are your boundaries, trying to tell you something's not right. Ok, I can see that.

Speaker 1:

But how do I actually set a boundary? It's not like I can build a wall.

Speaker 2:

You'd be surprised how much power a simple no has. But, it's not always easy, especially if you're not used to asserting yourself.

Speaker 1:

And that's where it gets really interesting, right, Because we start to see the link between shame, guilt and these boundaries.

Speaker 2:

Totally, they're all tangled up. It is Often what keeps us from setting boundaries. Is that fear of those familiar feelings, right? Shame telling us we're not good enough if we disappoint someone. Guilt saying we're selfish for having needs.

Speaker 1:

Right like these emotions are holding us hostage almost.

Speaker 2:

Exactly Jailers of our own hearts.

Speaker 1:

You could say so if these emotions are the jailers, like you said, how do we break free, how do we escape, really start living authentically?

Speaker 2:

That's where things get really cool. Actually, remember those sources about art and processing emotions.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I was hoping we'd get to that, because sometimes words just aren't enough.

Speaker 2:

Exactly.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes you need something else Color, texture, that kind of language.

Speaker 2:

It's fascinating. Right there's this real connection between art and how our nervous systems work.

Speaker 1:

Oh interesting.

Speaker 2:

When we get creative, it can actually help regulate our emotions, like we're giving our nervous system the safe space to process all those big feelings.

Speaker 1:

So, instead of shame and guilt, just like looping over and over, we're giving them an outlet.

Speaker 2:

Yes, A way to express themselves be released, and one of the exercises we have it talks about using art to like externalize those internal experiences.

Speaker 1:

I like that.

Speaker 2:

Take those heavy feelings, give them a real form. Maybe rough textures are that harsh self-criticism or dark colors for the weight of it all.

Speaker 1:

And I imagine on the flip side you could have bright colors, flowing lines, maybe that self-acceptance, freedom.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. It's like you're creating this whole language for your emotions which, let's be real, often feels messy and hard to put into words.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and I love how the exercise doesn't stop there. It asks you to reflect on the art afterward.

Speaker 2:

So important that reflection.

Speaker 1:

There's these prompts like what did you feel making this? Or if your art could talk, what would it say?

Speaker 2:

That's where those aha moments happen, you know, connecting your inner world to what you created.

Speaker 1:

You know, it makes me think of that poem, the line. But now we have begun to open the doors timidly, like the children that we are oh wow. Depping into this new way of seeing ourselves. It's like we're finally letting ourselves explore those parts of us we kept hidden out of fear, out of shame.

Speaker 2:

And realizing we don't have to be prisoners to those old patterns. We can choose something different, more compassionate.

Speaker 1:

And that's what this whole deep dive has been about right, Recognizing these emotions where they come from, but, most importantly, how to deal with them so we can live, you know, truly live.

Speaker 2:

Yes, exactly. And as you keep exploring all this, just remember you are not your shame, you are not your guilt, you are worthy just as you are.

Speaker 1:

So, well said, and, on that note, that wraps up our deep dive for today.